Month: March 2014

Instead of “Walking Wednesday” #22, I went to a meeting with my niece for her confirmation.  She asked me to be her sponsor to which I replied “Of course!”  It was a meeting for confirmation candidates (my niece) and their sponsors (me).  It was at my church (we go to the SAME church).

I was lamenting NOT going to Barwis earlier in the day; but, given how I’ve been feeling since the “infamous stretch” Phil gave me on Monday, I didn’t think that I would put up a good showing.  I texted Phil on Tuesday that it felt like I have been shot on the outside of my left thigh (I have NEVER been shot but I am reading the 3rd Divergent book so I was thinking about people being shot and I imagine hurts this badly).  Last night, I texted that the gunshot is gone but it has been replaced with a Charley horse in each leg.  So I guess I needed the time off from working but, I thought I might lose momentum from my 35 yard drive.

I’ve really been thinking since Tuesday morning about how much my legs have been hurting.  My legs have NEVER hurt like this before Barwis.  But, before Barwis, I couldn’t feel my legs.  AT ALL.  So this is progress.  I’ll take it.    That joke I’ve heard about Christmas morning and the little kid who finds big piles of horse poop under the tree comes to mind.

I found it online if you haven’t heard it:

There is a famous joke about a child who wakes up on Christmas morning and is surprised to find a heap of horse manure under the tree instead of a collection of presents. Yet, the child is not discouraged because he has an extraordinarily optimistic outlook on life. His parents discover him enthusiastically shoveling the manure as he exclaims, “With all this manure, there must be a pony somewhere!”

I think about how all of this pain HAS to be muscles activating and finding that new pathway to my spine to tell my brain how they are moving!  So, that means that something is cooking in my legs which means that walking can’t be that far off.  Score!!!

I was tired and still sore from Monday after work yesterday but now I am SO happy that I went to this meeting!  It proved to be really good and I very much enjoyed seeing my niece!  I tweeted this pic last night, but I REALLY need to get my eyebrows waxed!

Sunday, I went to the ER with my son.  He fell and smacked his head and ended up getting 2 staples in it.  We left and went to brother’s house (2 of my other brothers and their families were there) to hang out.  As we were driving home, I told Sean to wake me up during the night if he feels sick.  He held his stomach and told me that he thought he was going to wake me up and then he burped.  I asked, “Do you need me to pull over?!”  He nodded and when I did, he got out of the car and yacked.  We didn’t go home but went back to the emergency room instead.  His CT scan was normal and they gave him something for the nausea and some more pain medication because his headache had intensified after getting sick.  The ER doctor told me before we were discharged that he should not go to school on Monday and told me of his other restrictions until the staples were removed  Sean was sleeping as she told me all of this.  Lovely, he gets excused from school but I still have to go to work.  It was after midnight before we were discharged.

When I FINALLY get home and Sean is situated and asleep and I get into bed, I realize how much my quads hurt.  I had them tensed the ENTIRE day!!!  When Sean hit his head, the first stay in the ER, and the second trip to the ER.  I fell asleep grateful that the next day was Monday and I would be going to Barwis.

I woke up SO tired and my quads were still KILLING me!!!  At work, I told all of my students about my son being hurt and how sleep deprived I was as a result.  They we great yesterday, thankfully!  It was as I was getting ready to leave work that my tiredness really began to catch up with me!  Ms. Donna (my brother’s fiance) had to help me get my legs into my car.  I drive straight from work to Barwis.

When I got into Barwis Phil asked me what was wrong and I just smiled and said that I was tired; I would explain further when we begin working together because he was working with someone else.  When Phil called me over to the Keiser machine, I showed him a picture of Sean’s head and told him all about Sunday and the ER visits.  I told him that my legs were killing me.  He couldn’t really straighten my right leg.  He stretched me awhile and I attempted 3 stands.  I couldn’t stand straight up but I gave it the college try!  Then Phil told me to head to the table and he was going to stretch me.  To say the stretch hurt a little would be a GROSS understatement!!!  It hurt SO badly!!!  I asked him what I should do.  Just breathe through it?  He told me to but I promise that I couldn’t!  I kept gasping and grunting to which Phil would just respond “Shhhhh.”  About the 500th time he did that, I told him that it was not helping and that it was NOT soothing.  I grunted that I was going to call him “Adam” because “Phil” doesn’t hurt me like this!  At one point I grabbed his forearm and squeezed  with buggy eyes because it hurt so much (to which he just laughed).  A yelp even escaped from my mouth at one point because it hurt so badly.  Phil ended up popping both of my hips which DID make both of my legs feel better because neither of them have popped in a while.

Phil took me out and put me in my car.  He put his fist out and I started to put mine out too.  He grabbed it, yelled joystick, laughed, and shut my door.  I drove home thinking how much the stretch hurt. “It’s got to hurt if it’s to heal,” I thought.   When I finally arrived home, I texted Phil, “Ya know, my legs feel pretty good actually.  Did you know what you were doing when you were hurting me so badly?!”  He responded, “Shhhhh.”

The past few days have been rough for me. Not going to Barwis on Wednesday really hurt!  The meeting I was supposed to have with my niece is rescheduled for next Wednesday so I won’t have a “Walking Wednesday” next week either. That fact kind of bums me out.  I left work trying to get okay with it being a “low point” for me in terms of  performance. I was trying to get okay with being “defeated.” I know that there are ups and downs with this progress and I am trying to get okay with that.  I drove to Barwis not feeling very good. My legs have been getting tangled and it has been really hard to try to control that.

I get out of the car and I smell spring in the air. It’s really good that spring is finally going to be here; but, at the same time, it’s really bad that all of the snow is melting and causing SO much moisture to be in the air so my body REALLY, REALLY, REALLY hurts!!!

I get into Barwis and I see Katie walking! I found out later from her mother that she was in a car accident 2 years ago which left her paralyzed from the waist down.  My eyes were glued to Katie as she walked. I still had my coat on but it was the most inspirational thing for me to see. I turned away to take my coat off and to compose myself a little bit because I felt tears coming. But then I took my coat off and had to turn right back around to watch her. She walked so far! I saw the way she was taking steps and I knew how she felt. It is so tiring and it is so difficult! As I am watching her, I covered my mouth with my left hand and tried to deflect tears coming out of my eyes with my right hand. But they were coming too fast and there were too many of them.  When she was finished I turned around and bolted to the bathroom. I closed the door and thank God the music was really loud because I sobbed.  After I composed myself I came out of the bathroom and that was when I talked to Katie’s mom. She told me about Katie’s Facebook page (Pray for Katie) and I told her I would visit it even though I don’t have Facebook.

As I went to the Keiser machine to get stretched, Phil called me a “crybaby.”  I smacked his leg and asked if it was obvious that I was crying and he said it was. But I really wasn’t embarrassed that I cried in front of a gym full of guys lifting weights because that was really cool for me to see!  I needed that!!!

Phil asked how I was feeling and I told him that I have been feeling terrible. He pointed to my feet and said, “Look at this, you say you’ve been feeling terrible but your legs look normal! That’s it! Just relax! Don’t be grumpy! Don’t be sad!  Just relax!” Well, thanks for that Dr. Phil!  I snapped my fingers, nodded, and said, “Oh yeah, because it’s that easy!”

Phil stretched me for a LONG time but I was determined to do SOMETHING.   I made 6 attempts to stand but only 4 were successful.  Phil took me out to my car, told me that I did a good job, wished me a good weekend, and put his fist out.  My son had told me two different ways to counteract Phil’s “joystick” so I raised my hand and couldn’t think what he told me to do so I hesitated. In that hesitation, Phil just grabbed my hand and squeezed it into a fist and shook it and yelled “joystick” and shut my car door.  Grrr!!!  AGAIN!!!  I HAVE to work on that!!!

When I got home, I visited Katie’s Facebook page and cried (OF COURSE)!  I think I may have to join Facebook so I can like her posts.

I woke up yesterday morning in A LOT of pain.  Again, showering and getting ready for work was an EXTREMELY slow process.  I was miserable at work and could not wait to get to Barwis.  There is noticeably LESS snow so it makes me realize that this “Meltdown” HAS to be almost over and then spring will be here and I will feel better.

I get into Barwis and Phil asks me how I am and I tell him that “I am tired of being tired.This hurts.”  He told me to head over to the table.  I was headed there but I was moving quite slowly.  Halfway to the table, Phil just pushed me.  I told him that my legs kept getting twisted up when I was at work and he told me that he knows and pointed to my legs.  They had gotten twisted up AGAIN!  So Phil gets me on the table and then moved it away from the wall.  He began to stretch me and it was obvious that my legs and hips were extremely tight and it kind of hurt.  My legs started to feel better but the stretch still hurt.  I asked Phil if this (pointing to my legs) was because of the “Meltdown” and he replied, “Probably.”  I asked him if he feels defeated that he stretches me out one day and I get really loose and the next time I come in, it’s all tight again.  He shook his head and then I said, “I do.”  Jesse was right.  Everyday IS an accident.

Phil and I  spent my time at Barwis just stretching me out.  I didn’t attempt any squats or stands.  I’m not coming on Wednesday because I have a meeting with my niece for her upcoming confirmation.  My pastor is aware that I have told Phil that my deadline is May 6th; that’s Natalie’s (my niece) confirmation date.  Both Phil and my pastor know that I am joking because you really can’t put a target date on my walking but I know it is coming.  I wish it would hurry up and STOP hurting in the meantime.

Phil put me in my car and told me that it was a good stretch and I put my fist out.  He grabbed it, yelled “joystick,” laughed, and shut my door.  I left the parking lot at Barwis in silence.  My legs were feeling better but that was because I was sitting.  I was going to have to get out of my car and that was when the “hurting” would start again.

It wasn’t until I was on the freeway that I turned the radio on.  I didn’t want to listen to Sara Bareilles (that’s my happy/walking CD) so I turned the radio on.  R.E.M.’s Everybody Hurts came on the radio.  I remember liking this song as a kid when it came out and I hadn’t heard it for a while so I left it playing.  I don’t even know what station it was on.  Yeah, I was kind of bummed and I was hurting but I don’t think that “everybody hurts” like I am hurting right now.  I didn’t change the station and I don’t even know what songs came on after it finished.  I was lost in thought.  I arrived home and had to get out of my car.  Yep.  Just what I thought.  This hurts.  When I climbed into bed last night, it still hurt.  I had Sean bring me my work iPad.  I looked up the R.E.M. song, I read the lyrics and facts about the song.  It came out in 1993.  I was 11 and my second oldest brother, Steve, was in college.  That made sense.  I hadn’t cried yet so I tought I was doing pretty good.  I was “holding on”pretty well.  I thought about how much my body was hurting and that it will pass and things will feel better soon.  I clicked on the link to hear  the song as I fell asleep.  I listened to it a few times and hot tears soaked into my pillow before I fell asleep.

I didn’t really start feeling the effects of the “Meltdown” until I got to Barwis. It was cold in the morning and then I was inside of the school all day.  As I got out of my car and transferred to my wheelchair, I noticed all of the puddles from the melting snow. It wasn’t super cold and I groaned because I could feel the effects of the moisture in the air in my body. I was grateful I was at Barwis and I would feel better soon.

When my body feels like this, I wish I were an artist. A picture is worth a thousand words so I wish I could show people how my body feels. It is screaming!!!  It is super tight and it hurts.  But I am grateful that I got a little bit of a reprieve on my birthday so I was able to walk my 35 yards. But now it is “March Meltdown 2014” take 2 and it hurts.  I hope there isn’t going to be a take 3 and finally all of this snow will go away so my body will feel a little bit better.

Phil asked me how I was feeling when I got into a Barwis.  I told him that I am coming down from the high of Wednesday and the “Meltdown” has begun again. He stretched me at the Keiser machine for a long while and then we did a few stands.  The standing was very difficult.  Then he told me to head over to the table so he could stretch me out some more.  The stretching kind of hurt and I was grunting through it.  My body DID loosen up substantially but I was SO tight to begin with.

I am MOST grateful that this effect of the “Meltdown” came after my amazing “Walking Wednesday” though because now I am POSITIVE that the walking will come but I know it’s not going to be easy or linear and there will be “bad” days sprinkled in there. So I am continuing to work hard and not going to let these “bad” days get me down because I KNOW that I have some walking to do.

Phil put me in my car and told me that I had a good stretch.  We wished each other good weekends and he put his fist out to fist bump.  I put my hand out to grab it and he moved it away, laughed, and shut my door.  Maybe my birthday was my last “joystick.” Or nah.  I’ll get another.

So as my official Barwis Methods Photog, I asked Phil (I texted him) if he could send me a picture of the distance that I walked on Wednesday.  This is what he sent:

I walked from that first line in the front of the picture to the wall.  I was aghast when I saw the picture he sent me.  I responded, “Oh my gosh!!!  That’s far, aye?”  to which he replied, “Yes”.

It looks kind of far because it is!  It’s REALLY coming.  I better get ready… because I know I am not!

So, yesterday was a snow day and I did NOT have to report to work.  SCORE!!!  It was my birthday so it was a GREAT birthday present to sit and read all morning.  Which I did!  Then I had to get ready to go to Barwis.  It was “Walking Wednesday” and 8 months to the day that I started working there.  I was nervous given how I have been feeling because of this weather.  Monday and Tuesday were TERRIBLE!!!  This “March Meltdown 2014” as I refer to it was just nuts!  But then it snowed yesterday and it’s FREEZING and the “Meltdown” has to start all over again.  But, I wasn’t feeling as badly because there wasn’t so much moisture in the air.  I got a little reprieve because it was my birthday.  But the roads were really bad.  Or maybe it was just the drivers.  There was a huge accident on I-96 headed to Barwis and further down, almost at my exit, there was a car backing up on the freeway.  I thought that was really strange until I saw the front of their car COMPLETELY smashed.  They must have hit the center divide.  So I get to Barwis a woman named Shawna pushed me into Barwis because I was having difficulty maneuvering through the snow.

Phil wished me “Happy Birthday” as I came in and I had to wipe my wheels off.  He stretched me at the Keiser machine and asked how I was feeling.  I explained how the “Meltdown” has been terrible and it stinks that it has to start all over again.  I stood up which was a bit difficult.  I told myself that,”First is the worst, second it the best,” and stood again.  It was markedly easier this time and my right foot even decided to join the party!  Phil pulled my chair closer under me and told me to do a squat and to stand up as fast as I could.  I did 6 squats in a really quick succession.  Then Phil went to get my crutches.

I get situated on the turf and Phil stretches me out some more and then I get my arms into my crutches and tell Lindsay and Phil “Let’s do this thing!”  I stood and Phil told me how I should take my steps and how I should engage my body.  All I needed was 5 yards to get my selfie with Phil.  As he stretched me at the Keiser machine earlier, he told me that he was going to “kick my crutch out from under me at 4 yards.”  Then we both laughed.  (He was just joking).  I got those 5 yards and kept going.  At 5 I said, “there’s the selfie” and then I got 10 yards and told them to “move those chains.” But I STILL kept going!  Phil was reminding me how to take my steps and encouraging me to continue.  Lindsay too!  And I still kept going at 15 yards.  I got 20 yards on that 1st drive!  That was the MOST yardage I have ever gotten on a single drive EVER!  But I knew I had it in me to keep going.

The wall was 15 yards away and I have been saying that I will touch that wall since we began “Walking Wednesdays.”  I stood and only got about 2 more yards and then I had to sit and regroup.  I told Phil that I was SO tired and my butt hurt.  He told me to push through the “tired” and the “pain” and when I stood up for a 3rd time I evoked my Dad.  I said, “Okay Daddy, I’m grabbing my guts!”  Phil is encouraging me the whole time and as I got closer to the wall, it was easier to push through the “tired” and the “pain.”  Phil said, “C’mon.  2 more steps.”  And I took those two steps and touched the wall!!!

I was SO excited!  I was TOTALLY “Jessie Spano” excited and SO tired but SO happy!  Lindsay brings my chair over and I sit and give my crutches to Phil and rest.  Phil hands me back my crutches and pushed me to get my coat.  I pretended that my crutches were oars and I rowed.  Chris (the camera guy) asked if I I go faster when I do that and I said yeah and Phil started running and we all laughed.  I was SO happy!!!  I got 35 yards yesterday which is the most yardage I have gotten for all the “Walking Wednesdays”!!!

TOTAL YARDAGE = 230 AND 2 STEPS!!!

I wouldn’t stop smiling, that silly, giddy smile as I was getting my coat on Phil came over and I asked about our selfie.  How can you refuse a birthday girl who has a stupid smile on their face?! Really?!

You can’t.

Here it is: #DaisyandPhil

Phil got me into the car because there was so much snow and we fist bump.  I grabbed his fist and he told me that it was because it was my birthday that he let me and it will never happen again.  We fist bump again, he wishes me a happy birthday and shut my door.

I was STILL shaking with excitement!  I called my Mom (Sean was there) and I screamed that I walked 35 yards and touched the wall!  I asked to talk to Sean and screamed the same thing to him!  I felt a little more calmed down to drive and I put my WALKING song on repeat and my radio in full “jam mode.”  “Jam mode” is when the radio is so loud that you can feel the beat in your chest as if you are at a concert (I LOVE LIVE MUSIC!).  As I am driving home, I still had SO much adrenaline in me that I screamed at the top of my lungs.  Four times.  I still had trouble falling asleep last night.  Even as I write this, my hands are beginning to shake  because it is SO exciting to me!!!  This morning as I got in my car and turned the car on, the radio still was playing  my Sara Bareilles CD and my WALKING song was still in “jam mode.”  As I pull out of my driveway, tears begin rolling down my cheeks.  Apparently, I still had emotion trapped inside of me and I am NOT a morning person so screaming was out of the question.  They were “strong, silent” tears but there were a lot of them so I guess I kind of AM a “sissy, cry-face” baby about this but I’m okay with that.

Dusty told me last “Walking Wednesday” that there was another scheduling conflict and asked if I could cancel Monday (today).  “Sure,” is my response.  What am I going to say?  No?!  Not so much, I LOVE everyone at Barwis so I’m NOT going to Barwis today (I can get some reading done!)to make it easier on them.  As my second alarm went off this morning to let me know that I have to dangle my legs over the side of my bed.  As I throw my covers back, I feel AWFUL!  I think, “Good thing I’m going to Barwis today!  Oh wait!  No… I’m not!”

I groan as I am throwing my legs over the side of the bed.  This hurts!  I won’t get reprieve today either by Phil stretching me out making my legs (my hips mostly) not hurt anymore.  BUMMER!!!  I get ready for work and it is pretty slow.  I feel a little bit better after my shower but not much.  As I drive to work, I think about it not being AS COLD as it has been.

I pass a lot of puddles and then figure out that it HAS to be this snow “meltdown” that is making my body hurt so much!  There is TONS of moisture in the air!  DUH!  Rain always bothers my body so I guess this is the same thing.  Grrr!!!  So I will just have to push through today, hope that tomorrow doesn’t hurt as badly, and knock Phil’s socks off on “Walking Wednesday.”  It will be my birthday so… 200+ yards here I come!!!  #DaisyandPhil selfie! (If Phil doesn’t flake)!