Connor came out to get me into Barwis yesterday because of all of the snow. He saw me pull up from his office. It took awhile to get my wheels wiped off from all of the snow. Oh, I REALLY don’t like snow!!! So Phil comes over and we stretched by the table because there were people sitting in the chairs.
I told him that I was okay if today didn’t go well. I talked with my cousin Kimmy the day before and she helped me get a different perspective on things. She said maybe I should set my goals smaller and once those goals are achieved set them a little higher. Then she pointed out all the goals I have already achieved and how they aren’t actually LITTLE achievements: I’ve gotten out of my chair, I’ve stood, and I’ve hugged my boy while standing, and I’ve taken steps – over 100 yards. She told me to not focus on my big goal (walking) because that WILL happen; it will just take longer than anyone wants (ESPECIALLY ME!). And she told me not to forget or take for granted all of the things I have fought SO hard to get back. She told me that she knows it’s hard, frustrating, and easy to give up. She wanted me to see all of the achievements for what they are – a gift, a step closer. I liked how all of this sounded! She was right! But then it was time to start walking…
I get situated and Phil brings my crutches over and we got help yesterday. I think his name was Mark. Mark and Phil get me standing and I take one step and then another… and that was it. Phil takes me back to the table and he stretches me. Phil had wanted to NOT walk yesterday. We went to the Keiser machine before getting ready to walk and it was incredibly hard for me to stand. He told me that I can’t walk if I can’t stand. I think he saw the look on my face and then he said we could try it. 2 steps. That’s all I got. Bummer. My right leg kept resisting him as he was stretching me. I told him that it was doing the same thing to Jesse in the summer and I told him that I told my legs with a pat on them, “C’mon legs – Jesse is a friend.” I told Phil that maybe I should tell them that Phil is a friend too, or maybe I should call him Adam. He laughed and the resistance continued.
I drove home in silence. The radio was on but I wasn’t listening to it. 2 steps. That was it. My son asked me how “Walking Wednesday” went and I shook my head and just said “Two steps.” He could tell I wasn’t okay with that and didn’t ask anything further. I texted Jesse and said “Two steps. How frustrating!!! Some “Walking Wednesday.” He texted back to “keep working.” I told him that I will and asked if it really was going to happen. He said “You know it will. But you also know it won’t be easy.” I texted back “True.” And that Sheryl Crow song popped in my head and then I texted back “But no one said It’d be this hard.” He responded “It’ll be difficult” and I asked “but not impossible” and he says, “Not at all.” Then I said “Ok then” and got ready for bed.
I laid in bed for a long while. I thought back to when I cried back in July because my legs hurt so much. Then I thought back to the end of October beginning of November how they were hurting again when I got that BIG bruise on the back of my right leg. I didn’t cry then just like I didn’t cry this time. I told Phil when he was stretching me that “I have been coming here for 6 months already” like, “come on already, why am I not walking?!” He said, “Yes, but you were in this chair for how many years?” So I told him, ” 8. So it’s just like when you break up with someone. For every year you were together, it takes a month to get over them. So then in two months I will be walking!” He laughed and told me that he doesn’t think that translates the same in this instance. It would be nice if it did. But, it doesn’t. So my goal for now is to take that third step.