7.29.13 The First Day I Cried… HAPPY Tears.

It was a Monday in July and I had a training appointment at 9 am.  By this point, I knew how much work it was going to be, how hard it was, and how much of my guts I would have to grab as my Dad used to tell me.  My Mom had already started work for the summer and it was just Sean and me at Barwis.  I had already told Sean to “just push me into the car so I don’t fall on the ground,” once before after the workout was extremely hard for me.  I had realized that I was going to give it my all, even more than 110%.  So much so that it would be just about impossible for me to transfer from my wheelchair to the driver’s seat of my car (I drive with hand controls),  If I fell, I didn’t want to fall onto the ground outside.

I began with squats as had become the routine.  Jesse would get me into a harness and hook me up to the air machine.  It was just after I did squats to Jesse’s satisfaction that he decided that I was going to stand.  By myself.  With no help.  I was a bit nervous and flustered.  I would be standing all on my own with to help.  He had faith in my ability and I had faith in him.  He un-hooked me.

Mike heard us talking and he came over and spotted me as I stood as well.  It was obvious I was getting stronger.  Conversation shifted to me walking.  I figured that was something far off in the distance.  I still had difficulty wrapping my head around that idea.  Everyone at Barwis whom I had asked if they have seen people in chairs get out of them answered me with a simple “yes” as if I had asked them if the sky was blue.  In our conversation, I told Mike that my crutches were in my car.  He told me to get them.  I asked Sean to go get them from the trunk.

I sat in my wheelchair waiting for Sean to bring my crutches trying to remember the last time I walked.  I broke my ankle 8 years ago.  I was in a wheelchair for 6 months while it healed.  But then my Dad had died 7 years ago and I remember being on my crutches then.  I can’t remember when I made the decision to be in a chair all the time.  I don’t know that I consciously made the decision – it was made for me.  It was easier to teach class in a chair (I am a middle school teacher.  I taught English for 5 years.  I got my Master’s degree and now I am the Reading Specialist.  I teach Reading).  If I would have known then about how hard it would be to get OUT of the chair and to regain my ability to walk; I would have sucked it up.  But, back then I thought the chair was the end of the line for me.  NOW, I know differently!

Sean comes back in with my crutches, beaming.  I am nervous.  Jesse and I have already talked about me walking again and I told him that I was going to cry.  I felt weird!  I was in disbelief that I was going to walk TODAY!!!  I slip my arms into my crutches and Mike and Jesse lift me out of my chair and onto my feet.  I get my bearings and begin to take steps with them encouraging me the whole way.  That encouragement means SO much to me!!!  I am walking!  Taking these steps is SO familiar to me!  It’s crazy how difficult each step is to take.  I am SO tired.  I need to take a rest.  My chair is brought over to me and I sit down.  The ENTIRE gym cheers for me!  They all were the entire time!

I don’t know how far I’ve walked.  I was walking on a diagonal.  My son has the BIGGEST smile on his face!  It feels SO good to see him so happy!  We’ve had conversation before (Sean and I).  He really doesn’t remember me walking.  He was 2 and walking when I first got my crutches.  I used to tell him to “hold Mama’s crutch” when we were walking anywhere.  He was 4 when I broke my ankle.  I can’t remember holding his hand or anyone’s for that matter.  I told him that when I’m walking again that I don’t care and I’m going to hold his hand.  He said okay but he’s 12 so we’ll see how long that lasts!

Jesse comes over to me and asks if I’m going to cry.  My jaws is clamped shut tightly and I am holding my chin trying to will it to stop quivering.  I need to keep my composure.  I am in a workout area with a bunch of guys!  I am NOT going to cry!  I’m “grabbing my guts” and “being a man about it” as my Dad used to tell me.  I’d tell him that I wasn’t a man and he’d tell me that it didn’t matter.

Connor interviewed me after this workout.  Apparently, there is footage of me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.  It also was on Barwis Method’s website for awhile.  I’ve never seen it.  I held it together nicely.  I didn’t cry at all.  Sean and I get into the car and I call my Mom at her work.  I told her that I walked.  “What?!”  She says in disbelief.  I give her the directions to view it on Barwis Methods’s web page.  She is giving the directions to a co-worker as I am on the phone.  She says “There she is!”  She tells me that she has to go and hangs up.  I hear the tears in her voice and hang up and then begin to cry.