Grateful

In all my years of writing this blog, I have made it no secret that MS is a mean disease.  It  strips away your abilities so slowly that you don’t even realize  your abilities are being stripped away until you no longer can do  something  on your own.    But, still at this point you don’t realize your ability is stripped away until it is brought to your attention. In recent events, the stripping away of my abilities has been brought to my attention.   It didn’t feel good.

I have written about PBA before in this blog and my inability to properly express my emotions  is problematic at times. It’s more problematic if that expression of emotion is tears rather than laughter.   Laughing, although it can be annoying at inopportune times, tears are just plain disturbing.

My Dad told my Mom years ago, years before he died, that me having MS was going to be, “bad.”  How, “bad” it was going to be, I had no clue.   I didn’t read about this disease once I was diagnosed, it was just too scary and depressing.   I wouldn’t have believed it  if I read it anyway!   Anything, “bad” was not going to happen to me! My Mom did not tell me that my Dad told her this until about a year ago, A full decade after his death! Now that I know he said this years ago, I am grateful that my Mom did NOT tell me.

It has been in the gradual stripping away of my abilities that my Mom has become my caregiver.   I did not realize this until a few months ago. I am her daughter. I thought we were just “hanging out.”   But that isn’t the case all of the time. My mom knew this before I did. Well, my Mom is the best caregiver in the world!

I am not going to pretend that this “care-taking” has been easy for either one of us for so many reasons! There are many times when we are not each other’s “favorite person.”   Thus far, throughout this almost 17 year journey, I have maintained a lot of my independence  on paper.  Sean and I still live by ourselves. Today, I realize this maintenance of my independence is dependent  upon my Mom.

This realization has been a bit overwhelming  for me today.   It’s only when it is brought to my attention,  like it has been as of late, that I realize how  stripped away my abilities are and how dependent I am upon my Mom for my independence. PBA sucks almost as much as MS does.   Sean and my mom are less affected by my tears now that they know that I cannot control the expression of my emotions having undiagnosed PBA. It still disturbs me  though!  I just can’t stop crying!

I am beyond grateful for my Mom  for so many reasons! Those of you who know her, know that that is something that is easy to feel! I wanted to write something today because tomorrow is my Tenex  procedure for my knee. I am nervous! I don’t know what to expect really. Wish me luck Kids! (I wrote, “Kids” because in addition to everything else, I miss  addressing my students as “kids.”)   Please offer up or send me your thoughts, prayers, and/or good vibes. It’s SO much appreciated! I  promise to write as soon as I can!…