11.30.16 Opening the Joint

I didn’t have tape on my knee because Dr. Frush had taken it off to give me my cortisone shot. I worked with Brad and told him all about my appointment with Dr. Frush, what he said, and about  my cortisone shot.  I explained how concerned I was that he said, “Yet” and that the cortisone shot was NOT the “numb-all” that I had expected.  My knee still hurt and it frustrated me!

Brad listened as he worked my knee a bit and then he pulled my foot to straighten my leg out.  I asked him if this was “manual traction” and he laughed, kind of nodded, and agreed.  He told me that he was, “Opening the Joint.”  As he pulled, I felt relief in my knee immediately,  It was like you don’t realize how much something hurts until it doesn’t hurt, even for just a little while.  I feel like I may have gasped when he did this.  The immediate relief was welcome because my knee has been hurting SO BADLY for SO LONG!  I didn’t want to talk about things that concerned me because him pulling my ankle felt SO GOOD!

I first told him my concern about the qualifier, “Yet” that Dr. Frush used.  Because my knee still hurt, did it mean that I might NEED surgery?!  My second concern was that the cortisone shot was not the “Numb-all” that I expected.  Dr. Frush told me that everyone reacts differently to the cortisone.  I wished that I reacted differently than I had.  My knee STILL hurts!  I almost wish I was part of the 3% of women whose face flushed temporarily as a reaction.  At least that would be SOME visible reaction.  Sadly, I felt nothing.  Not only was I disappointed that my knee STILL hurt but I wondered if surgery was in my future.

When Brad was done, he set me up with ice and stim. When my time was up, Brad came back over and told me that he wouldn’t tape me this time.  He wanted to give my skin a rest and told me that Kristen would tape me next time I was there which would be the next day.  I nodded in agreement and he re-snapped my pants.

31 Days

I recently saw this commercial not too long ago.  There was no talking in the version I saw and couldn’t read the words fast enough because I was so taken by the images I saw.  My Seanie was premature.   He was due on December 27th and I had an emergency C-section on November 2nd. He was in an incubator and under the Bilirubin lights.   So he would look like he was sunbathing with the little mask over his little eyes like in the commercial.

I saw this commercial again last night and this morning I searched YouTube to find it. In that search, I saw this 2nd version the commercial. So,   I’ve cried all morning watching these commercials over and over. When he was in the NICU, I never cared to think about the type of diapers he wore.  But I see this commercial and the amount of care taken to manufacture them, I vaguely remember seeing the boxes of Huggies when I was there.  When he was there.

A person will never forget the time they have spent at the hospital with their baby in the NICU.  This commercial reminded me of that  clearly. Sean  was born at 32 weeks gestation, two months early, and was in the NICU for 31 days. He did not come home until December 3rd.  To this day, I tell everyone I tell that he was a preemie that this was the longest month of my life.  15 years later, that is still the case for me.  I couldn’t hold him right away. After maybe a week, he could be out of the incubator for 20 minutes. I fell  to a routine immediately when I had to leave the hospital and he had  to stay.

 I still lived with my parents back then and  was unable to drive after my C-section.  My Mom would take me to the hospital before she went to work. I would get there at about 7 am.  My dad, who was already working when I was dropped off to the hospital would get out at around four and pick me up. I would spend time with my parents talking about Sean and would go to his dad’s house who was just getting out of work.   After he would eat and take a quick shower, we would go back up to the hospital.

Once there, he would hold Sean for the 20 minutes and then put him back into the incubator. He would then go to the family waiting room and sleep. I would just  sit in the glider and glide back and forth while staring at my baby in the  incubator.   I would do this until about midnight when I would leave Sean and wake his dad up so we could go home. I would cry every night leaving the hospital.  It was horrible to have to leave him! Even though I knew he was getting excellent care and I would be back in about seven hours, it was still very difficult for me.

It was about two weeks after he was born that he could regulate his body temperature a little bit more, a nurse told me about “kangaroo care.”   She told me that this was very good for the baby. She told me that I would need to wear a button down shirt and I could hold the baby “skin to skin” for as long as I wanted.   I absolutely loved this!  I would recline the glider as the nurses would put up screens around me. Whenever the nurse would get him out incubator and place him on my chest, all of the numbers on his monitor would normalize and he  was calmed.

I’ve told Sean this story so many times over the years, I tell him how I’d  feel his soft baby hair on my chin and neck. I would always have the nurse place him on my right side. I could feel all of his little ribs when I’d  place my left hand his back and cradled his feet  with my right hand about even with my armpit. He was SO  tiny!  We would lay like this for hours!   Sometimes I would fall asleep too.   I loved it!

Sean was 4 lbs. 11 oz. when he was born so he was the “big baby” in the NICU.   He had tons of hair.   I stuck to my routine every day, I remember a nurse coming up to me and telling me that they wanted me to stay home because they wanted to hold my baby because he had hair!   I kind of laughed and told her that I wanted to hold my baby!

 I changed a total of three diapers in those 31 days. His umbilical cord fell out when I was not there.  I felt that I was missing so much of my baby that I really cherished the “kangaroo care” time  we shared!  I remember that I put him in an outfit I had gotten from my shower. I thought for sure it would fit him because it was a 0 to 3 month onesie.  He was swimming in it! I had to buy special preemie clothes for him that he wore for a pretty long time.

I would include pictures here but they are all packed away with renovations going on right now at my house.  I’m sure I will write about his time in the NICU again so I will include them when I do. So, ANOTHER commercial has made me cry but this I KNOW is NOT my undiagnosed PBA.   Rather, it completely reminded me of the 31 days we survived at the NICU.

11.28.16 Cortisone Shot

So, this was the moment of truth.   I was still on leave from my work and I finally was going to see Dr. Frush.  He was going to  read my MRI scan and tell me if I needed surgery or not.   I swore that I did! He and Jen came in to see me and he sat next to me.  He paused for a moment and my heart was in my throat, he said, “No  surgery yet.”   He poked around at my knee and I told him that it still hurt everywhere he poked.

He had Jen pull up my MRI on the computer and explained it to me. On the screen, I could see what I call a “Pac-Man” chunk  taken out of my MCL.  I was surprised to see that because my MCL has not hurt as much as the outer portion of my knee. He pointed out what looked like fuzzy static  This was  exactly where my pain was. That was cartilage damage.

I told him that the pain is a constant throbbing. Sometimes (very rarely) it  will change into a lower instance (not such a fast throb) but it is there.   It hasn’t gone away since I was injured.  This was over three months ago. As I explained this constant pain to him he got a thoughtful look on his face and told me that I would get a  Cortisone shot today.

When I heard the words, “Cortisone shot,” I immediately thought of  The movie Varsity Blues.  I was in high school when this movie came out and I remember a player was injured and he got a Cortisone shot  in his knee so he was able to play through the injury and ended up completely screwing his knee up.

This shot must be the “numb-all” that I was looking for!   If a football player could play through injury after getting this shot, I was golden and excited! Maybe now the pain would stop! Jen  sprayed my knee with numbing  spray as Dr. Frush injected me.

The above picture was a screenshot I took of the “My hero” video by the Foo Fighters.   It has clips of the movie in it and this was the exact scene I saw in my head when Dr. Frush said, “Cortisone shot.”   He didn’t shoot me at the bottom of my knee  is this kid is being shot, but rather, on the outside near the top where it has been hurting so badly.

I absolutely LOVE this song, I used  to play the song in class when I used to teach the novel, The Outsiders.    I had this really cool extension activity  about “heroes” and I got to hear that song five times the day I taught that lesson. One year the schedule changed and I got to hear it seven times. I can’t hear this song without thinking of teaching English,  Varsity Blues, and Cortisone shots.

Well, as it turns out, the Cortisone is not a magic “numb-all”  for me and the pain returned the next day. I started thinking more about the fact that  Dr. Frush  used the qualifier “Yet.”  Because the Cortisone didn’t work at all for me, does this mean I’m going to need surgery?!   I go back to see him again in January.  He extended my prescription for physical therapy so I will see how my knee does  until I see him again.

11.25.16 Mount Kilimanjaro OR A Cross

I changed my physical therapy appointment from Thursday (which was Thanksgiving) to Friday. I worked with Luba. After conversation about our Thanksgivings she pulled the star off of my knee  that Kristen had put on my knee the last time I was at physical therapy. Before she started working on me, she examined my knee. When my leg is straight out, there is a peak on the  lower outside of my knee cap.   It has been there since I started physical therapy, pretty much since I was injured. It has lessened some but is still there. However, Luba examined it and told  me that it was big.

I’m not sure if it was her or me who dubbed it as being “Mount Kilimanjaro.” We both kind of laughed about it.   She said that she wanted to climb Mount Kilimanjaro one day and I told her that I will just live vicariously through her  because I could not see myself climbing Mount Kilimanjaro in the near future.  She worked the outside of my knee just above  Mount Kilimanjaro and worked my quad a lot.   It felt really good!  Just before she hooked me up for stim and put ice on my knee, she asked about my  taping preference.   I didn’t have one. I know that my knee feels a whole lot better when there is tape on it but did not know  what difference   It made as to how it was taped.  It all feels good!

Luba asked if I preferred the star that Kristen put on me the last time or if I wanted something different. I just kind of shrugged and shook my head because I had no idea what I wanted.   I told her that my knee feels cradled whenever I have tape on it and it really didn’t matter.

In our conversation earlier that day I had told her about being awakened with pain specifically on the top of my kneecap.   Since my injury, waking up in pain is an everyday occurrence but recently, I was awakened with pain specifically  at the top of my kneecap  where it hurt the most.   I didn’t know how to answer Luna  so she finished hooking me up with a thoughtful look on her face and went  Beck to her  work station.

When she came back when my time was up for ice, she told me that she was going to tape at me differently. She told me she would put a cross on my knee. I was game   And just kind of nodded in agreement.   She put one long strip of tape  vertically on the outside of my knee   And a Nother piece that crossed over the top of my knee. Now, I have always felt cradled whenever I have tape but this  taping, the cross, felt WONDERFUL!!!  I really dug it and hoped that Mount Kilimanjaro would lesson. Maybe  it could be just a hill…

11.23.16 Nerves

I worked with Kristen on the Wednesday after my MRI. I told her all about the music and being  transported back to my high school years. I told her that I was really happy that they were able to keep my  knee taped  while I had the MRI.   The MRI tech gave me a disc but did not tell me about anything that she saw. I told Kristen how nervous I am about surgery. My knee still hurts so very badly! I  can’t really imagine me NOT  needing surgery because this really hurts!

I couldn’t tell Kristen enough about how my nerves were going crazy!   I know that whatever is wrong with my knee is wrong with my knee and there is nothing I can do now but it still made me crazy nervous!  As my return appointment with Dr. Frush  gets closer, I am getting more nervous because my knee is not feeling any better. I’m so concerned!

She worked my knee and my quad as we talked. She told me that I am doing everything I can do to make my knee feel better (physical therapy three times a week and the MRI) so I just have to wait  and see what he says. I know that all of this is true but I can’t seem to get my nerves in check!    I think this is because I know how much my knee hurts and how long it has been hurting but I also know that any kind of knee surgery to make that pain go away will be the most pain I have ever been in in my life  because it was just that! It has been 16 years since I had my knee surgery and I cannot forget how badly that hurt!

Just before Kristen hooked me up to the stim machine and iced me, she asked me if I preferred the tape that Luba I had put on me on Friday opposed to the stars. I told  her  that it really didn’t matter and ANY tape feels so good on my knee!  She ended up putting  a star on the outside of my knee because that is where it really hurts!

January 2017 Faves

Well, I will post this month’s faves on New Year’s Day, so…

I LOVE YOU, BONO!!!  “New Year’s Day”. u2

“Not Easy“. Alex Da Kid

Starving“. Hailee Steinnfeld

Live It Well”. Switchfoot

Dancing On My Own”. Calum Scott

When You Love Someone”. James TW

I couldn’t understand why I was so affected by Princess Leia dying!  I wasn’t alive when Star Wars first came out but I was equally affected 2 days before when George Michael died.  I watched a documentary about both of them dying so close to the end of 2016.  I had forgotten some of his GREAT songs!  I put the “George Michael Essentials” on Apple Music while I watched football with the sound muted.  I was surprised how I knew and remembered all of the words to a lot of these songs because I was so young when they originally came out and I haven’t heard them in a while.  Good thing that Wham! song, “Last Chistmas” is ALREADY my ultimate Christmas Fave!!!  Here are the songs I sang AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS while watching muted football:  it’s a bit random, I know, but I was by myself so…

One More Try“. George Michael

Careless Whisper“. George Michael

Father Figure”. George Michael

Freedom ’90”  George Michael